March 10, 2016
Dear Darkened Rose,
I have so many things I keep focusing on lately. It’s created a large area for goals and growth, but not without the pitfall of lack of motivation. Depression is the worst.
In January, I was—admittedly—jobless. I was saturated in my overwhelming need to get back on the money-making train. I have also been struggling with a LARGE sense of purposelessness since then. That very likely could have been bad-regulation-of-medication-induced. It’s always unclear which came first—forgetting about my medication or an increase of depressing moments. I’m always unaware up until the time I notice myself deeply dug in a pile of shitty emotions and scheduling an appointment with my psychiatrist that I can’t afford. Much less, the prescriptions that follow.
I also think I struggle with seasonal depression. We have had a few cold and gloomy days around here the past few months. The follow-up of beautiful days did not always help. In January, by the time we saw a gorgeous day, I was already sunken into a couch and super anxious to finish all six seasons of Lost.
I finished Lost. Great show.
I did finally get a job, and I started taking a lot of pride in it (as I do with every new job). I’m making close to three times what I was making last year with my stipend-living through AmeriCorps, and a healthy chunk more than the year before when I was a receptionist for a wholesale oil company (side note: the contrast between those two positions wasn’t incidental). I still make less than half of what Caleb pulls-in, though. That’s why he gets to pick out the furniture. I’ve deemed myself in charge of upholstery. So….we’re still curtainless. I’m working on it, but happy to take my time buying something sustainable.
But let’s be honest–
I’m still in debt. Therefore, I’m broke.
I own credit cards. Making essentially less than minimum wage last year (for the benefit of the country—kind of kidding) dug me in a bit of a hole. I’m crawling out of it. I would say that this highly contributes to my purposelessness. I’m patiently waiting for the other half of my education grant to go through so that I can apply that to some of my debt. It’s exhausting.
But giving is my biggest reprieve when I am stressed. No one can tell me the reality of that is otherwise. Giving and growing are my sole agendas in life, and I’m going to do my best to still work towards that even through this rough patch.
I’ve tried to be nonchalant about this lately–
I’m going back to school!! Which sucks.
You have always preached that I have a high IQ that I’m not utilizing. You are basing that off of an IQ test I took in elementary school, which is likely no longer accurate. The truth is, I have never been the best at school. I am awful with time management. I am starting with one class at a time and hoping the progress will eventually become inspiring. Right now, I am reliant upon an “accepted” paper every two weeks—that didn’t require any revisions—to exhilarate me. I’m three down, four to go (to make an A), with the addition of a departmental exam to pass in mid-April.
I’m nervous. I am persistently reaching out for motivation from the closest people to me because I want so badly to do well. Failure is tangible for me.
The difference I intend to make in this world can be palpable too, but I very quietly lose sight of it. It is so far in the distant future for me right now that giving up feels more likely. It is always my way of being gullible to my inner fiend’s nagging. I don’t want to be my own opposition anymore.
Today, I feel purposeless. I’m sure it’s a phase, but that’s where I am.
Love me hard—wherever you are—if you can.
Oh, damn. Happy Belated Birthday. I’m forgetful; my mind is a mess.
I love yooouuu. I miss you.
Enclosed are cool things.
The Song: Gasoline
2 thoughts on “4.3 – Lost and Purposeless”
Hey Kel, just wanted to say I enjoy reading your blog. You have such a kind heart that I love so much! God is always working on you – preparing you for your purpose. Remember, our timing and God’s timing is quite different. Trust that He is preparing the path ahead of you. You are so special and He wants it to be just right for YOU! Enjoy the ride sister!! ❤
Great that you have got another job and that you are taking pride in it. Maybe writing about your purposelessness in your blog will reveal your purpose to you. I think writing is in itself a purpose, in fact I think it is my primary purpose in life. All the shitty things that have happened to me since childhood, sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse have given me a huge amount of material to write about. And people seem to like what I write – thanks for following my blog – which kind of gives all my suffering some kind of meaning. I really do think writing gives life meaning so maybe writing about your purposelessness is a form of purpose as it will give strength and inspiration to other people who feel purposeless.